Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Are we still banned from the library?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
