dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
