why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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