I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
