Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
