dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
