Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
