apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
