I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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