So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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