I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
