is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
