Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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