I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
