i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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