i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
