just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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