he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He kissed a someone with a penis
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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