Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
