I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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