I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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