I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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