nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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