Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
