Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
