I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
