Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Don't make out with my wife yet
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
