Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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