So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
