Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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