Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
