you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
