Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
