Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
