I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
