saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
