I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
