Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The best revenge is premature balding
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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