What did we do last night that was yellow?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
