Sorry, I don't speak sober.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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