I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
