Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
