I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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