If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
