you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
