I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
