yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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