It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
