Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
