Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
