Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
