theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
