if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hope mine doesn't look like that
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
